The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition
Confessions of a Backdoor Betty… Eight Years Later
Yes, I admit it—I love anal sex. The first time someone put a finger in my butt, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. I think I almost went crazy from the pleasure. The sensations I experienced were so intense that I felt high from the experience, and I couldn’t wait to do it again. The first time I put my finger in someone else’s butt, the results were just as fabulous—I felt entrusted with my partner’s deepest vulnerabilities, in awe of the ecstatic pleasure I could give. Then came more fingers, tongues, vibrators, small dildos, bigger dildos, butt plugs, cocks, bigger butt plugs, even an entire small hand. Each time I could take a little more and give a little more, I felt more sexually alive and powerful. As I incorporated anal eroticism into my sex life, my sex life became better and better. The sex got hotter, my partners more adventurous, my orgasms fierce and explosive. The physical sensations were undeniably some of the best I’d ever felt in my life. I confess too that beyond the deep body gratification, the naughtiness of it all really turned me on.
The opening paragraph of the introduction to the first edition of this book really says it all. It was my passion for anal sex that fueled my desire to write a book about it, and I’m pleased to say that my love for the subject, both intellectually and carnally, has only grown since the book was first published in late 1997.
When I sat down to research and write The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women in 1996 and 1997, there was very little information out there. At the time, there were books and articles on specific topics—solo sex, oral sex, vibrator sex, sex after fifty, fantasy role-playing sex, lesbian sex, phone sex, gay sex, Tantric sex, healing sex, cybersex, kinky sex—yet only one book devoted to the back door, Anal Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin. (I must continue to acknowledge and pay homage again to Jack Morin, who was so far ahead of his time, whom I still consider to be the king of anal pleasure, and whose work influenced me tremendously.) Other more general sex self-help manuals, of which there were plenty, dodged the topic of anal sex, devoted scant attention to it, or subtly dismissed it with misinformation that could scare readers away from exploring anal pleasure. Mentions of ass-fucking and ass loving—especially positive ones—in the media barely existed, with the exception of gay male erotica and both gay and straight porn videos.
I’m thrilled to say that in less than ten years a lot has changed. There is a new generation of sex books—titles like Guide to Getting It On! by Paul Joannides, Nerve’s Guide to Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen by Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, and The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus by Violet Blue—that include plenty of sex-positive info about anal pleasure. The butt is front and center in the Bend Over Boyfriend video series and makes appearances in new lesbian porn by S.I.R. Video. There’s even The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men!
Ass sex is not only getting its fair shake in sex books and videos, it was the sole subject of former ballerina Toni Bentley’s lauded memoir The Surrender and it turns up in mainstream media like Redbook, The New York Times, The New Republic, Glamour, and Jane. I spoke about anal sex on MSNBC, HBO, and the Discovery Channel, and it got plenty of airtime on Sex and the City.
Beginning with its auspicious debut on The Howard Stern Show, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women took on a life of its own. I developed several workshops based on the book that I’ve taught to more than a thousand people around the world. I cannot count how many times I’ve illustrated anal penetration with my finger nestled in the pink puckered A-hole of a men’s masturbation device called the Fleshlight, while the rest of my digits wrapped around a bright green dildo, as I explained to a roomful of people how to get a dildo in someone’s ass. In private and in public, I’ve put fingers, butt plugs, and dildos in the asses of friends, lovers, and complete strangers (the latter for demonstration purposes, of course). I made two videos based on the book and designed two butt plugs that were named after me. I’ve received thousands of letters from people, and answered hundreds of different questions. All this just goes to show that when you give people permission to discuss anal sex, they will. And I know from experience that lots of people want information about anal pleasure.
At lectures, workshops, hell, at cocktail parties, people from all walks of life approach me with inquiries about anal sex. Some follow up with: “Are you sick and tired of being asked about anal sex?” The answer remains the same: absolutely not. I welcome their questions—questions their doctors avoid, questions they can’t ask their closest confidant, questions no high school health teacher I know would entertain—and I’m glad they had the courage to ask them.
Recently, at a class in New York, a beautiful blonde woman in a light blue sweater raised her hand and queried, “After the initial penetration of a guy’s cock in your ass, when should it start to feel good?” “Honey, it should be feeling good all along, and if it’s not, then something’s wrong,” I said. She went on to describe a first-time experience that was painful, something I know other women can relate to. “Was there warm-up, or did he just stick it in?” I asked. The latter, as I suspected. The guy sitting next to her even copped to being the owner of the (understandably) overzealous dick. I told them to make a pact: they will go slow , do plenty of warm-up, and, if it hurts at all, stop without any consequences—no frustration, no feeling guilty, on either side. “Once you’re in,” I told him, “don’t go all the way. Hang back with just the head inside to allow her ass to get used to the feeling. Oh, and was there clitoral stimulation going on? Because you usually can’t go wrong with some clit stimulation.” They looked at each other, then back at me, smiling.
My job is never boring.
As a kid, I was taught by some pretty great, underappreciated public school teachers, and, although they weren’t talking prostate glands and anal beads, they influenced the way I inform others about my favorite subject. I just put it all out there. Nothing is off limits: enemas, poop, hemorrhoids, why you shouldn’t use Vaseline as lube or candles as sex toys. It’s important not to shy away from the so-called embarrassing stuff and to just be honest. My goal is simple: debunk the myths, fight the taboos, explain the basics, and give people information and tools they can use. And do it in a way that’s less boring lecture, more stand-up sass. I’m one of those teachers who wants to get my students so excited about the material that they beg for extra-credit assignments (hint: my butt toys need to be inventoried!). I challenge them (“Every man in this room should be fucked in the ass at least once before he dies!”), and I hope I inspire them. It feels good to know that I’ve contributed to improving someone’s erotic awareness, and ultimately her sex life. Sometimes, I want to go home with my students (no, not like that…well, not with all of them anyway), peek into their bedroom for a night, and coach their anal pleasure session from plug to plow. But usually I must send them on their way with a reassuring nod and a tube of Astroglide Gel.
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